To Be Or Not To Be

I had posted this briefly on my Facebook last week, but had been ruminating over the valuable lessons learned, so I will blog about this - for my daughters' perusals when they grow up.

I attended a Women's Leadership lunch at the beautiful Capella last Wednesday, thanks to a dear friend who invited me. The co-author of the book, Mothers On The Fast Track, delivered a talk focused on juggling motherhood and our careers, a perennial conundrum faced by many working mothers like me. This was followed by an active debate by many working mothers about the many problems we face - and I found this session to be most refreshing and very enlightening.

View from our luncheon at Capella

I had been pondering over many dilemmas and issues associated with working mothers, and unfortunately, there are not many spaces for many working mothers to bond and share our woes. Also, frankly, there are not many women who had "been there and done that well" to mentor us. Hence, this forum was truly an eye-opener for me. More importantly, this is not a talk about whether a SAHM or FTWM is better for our children, but about how women in general consider these factors when making life choices. It is also a little about how men in general benefit a lot more from marriage and children in their careers, whereas women in general, from the chronicles of history till the present times, usually have to make very difficult choices and sacrifices.

Here are some precious lessons learned from delightful anecdotes raised by other mothers who had all of us applauding or nodding vigorously. I also think these lessons hold true for stay-home mothers!

1) We do NOT need to aspire to be a superwoman at home or at work. It is perfectly fine if we cannot excel BOTH at work or at home. It is perfectly alright for us to leave right on the dot after work, with all our colleagues eyeing us suspiciously or disdainfully - because we need to fulfill our second shift at home, and because we want to spend as much time with our children as possible.

It is also perfectly fine for us to sometimes languish in fatigue at home, with no energy or spirit to coach the kids, thereby throwing them to their own devices at times, because our kids would welcome this little respite to be creative and innovative in coming up with their own play plans.

2) It is fundamental that we love ourselves first (and this applies to all parents, working or not!). Love ourselves, make the choices we truly want, give ourselves ample space to grow and develop as individuals - for only then can our happiness radiate to our children and husbands. Otherwise, everything would be jaded clockwork and I had seen some unhappy parents snapping with wrath at their poor children because they are ultimately unhappy with themselves.

So we definitely need me-time for ourselves - even if it means getting our husbands or parents or in-laws to help oversee the children for a short few hours, or even 30 minutes every day, doing a little yoga, a little meditation, a little reading, a little quiet, calming time with ourselves, listening to our hearts, understanding our core essence.

However, from a working mum's perspective, this may be a little tough as we would want to spend all remaining waking hours with our children, because we had spent the majority of the day at work! But it is still possible - by waking up a little earlier before the rest of the family stirs, or sleeping a little later to indulge in the restful silence of the night.

3) It is perfectly fine if we feel so tired at work that we want to call it quits! It is normal to take a career break and get back into the workforce after we spend time with our children. It is also fine if we decide to work part-time to focus more on our children. (And the mother who mentioned this point caused uproarious laughter from the audience when she related her experiences of getting nagged by her mother-in-law if she comes back too late after work, and when she finally resigned, she was queried by the same mother-in-law on why she resigned, won't this be a waste of her experience, degree, etc? It is hard to please the wider society, so just listen to our hearts!)

In addition, a distinguished woman leader proclaimed that while it is possible to listen to our hearts and go with our own wishes, irregardless of what society tells us, it is essential that we have the key ingredients of 1) finding a good partner in our husbands and 2) having a strong support system, be it our parents, in-laws, domestic helpers, child-care centres and/or understanding employers.

Finally, the co-author posted a question that most of us could not answer in time, due to the rushed lunch hour: How would we advise our daughters in future? (or sons, as I foresee many generational transformation and gradual changes in gender roles in future)

The Bees at a recent zoo outing

My advice to my 2 Bees would be: Listen to your hearts and do what you want. Do not get hot and bothered about what society thinks of you, whether you are a stay-home mum or a working mum. And as a mum, I would try not impose any prejudice or opinion on your choices, so that you can truly select the choices you want, unfettered, carefree, unbiased.