Big Bee is fast propelling into her teens, after a relatively unruffled ride as a tween. There were some bumpy and tumultuous moments at the beginning of her tweenhood, as exemplified here. The start of tweenhood would always be challenging for most parents, as we grapple with their fight for independence and their angst at battling their own hormonal changes.
Sometimes, I suspect tweenhood is invented for parents. It is like a buffer time period to cushion the separation anxieties for most parents! As I read back on my old posts on tweenhood, I smile at myself for being unwilling to let go, for worrying over the most trivial matters, for wanting to embrace the "babyhood" of Big Bee. Because, right now, as she is into her teens, I am enjoying the sweet fruition of sensible, companionable chats with Big Bee, sometimes seeking her wise opinions on issues in life, sitting back and not worrying about how she runs her life, and more importantly, having a lot more quality time to myself.
I am still adjusting my parenting style as Little Bee is trundling towards her tweenhood soon. In fact, I am already observing the same signs of independence-seeking incidents and moody meltdowns in Little Bee this year!
While I won't profess to be the perfect tween mum, here were some strategies which I used and these had proven to produce very fulfilling outcomes!
1) We MUST let go
- This is non-negotiable. Letting go, and allowing them the freedom to explore what they want is fundamental in gaining their respect for you as parents. This means allowing them the freedom to meet with their friends, visiting places that you normally would not allow, not bugging them over the phone, and not insisting that they call you every hour!
2) Accept that their peers are more important than you ... now
- This is a no-brainer. We had all been there and done that. They are surrounded by peers all day long in school and you are no longer their paramount source of information and opinions. By acknowledging the importance of their friends (and their weird opinions and advice at times), it actually helps to bring down the guard of your tween and make them open up more to you.
3) Befriend their friends
- I love to hang out with Big Bee's friends. They are such a bright, happy and funny bunch of teens. And I try not to act all adult-like and serious when I am with them. They like it when you are silly and listen to them without judgement (I think!). Once you know your tween's friends, it is such fun gossiping and chatting about their friends together.
- Set up an Instagram account (no self-loving tween is on Facebook these days) and link yourself with all your tween's friends while they are still open to having parents as social media friends! You can also check out what your tween or her friends posted, which is really important in keeping yourself up-to-date with the rapid developments in their lives
4) Listen to your tween
- And by listening, I mean truly sitting down and listening to their wishes, their hopes, their dreams. And just listen. Without judgement. Sometimes it is tempting to just put in our "adult judgements" on the things they want to do, but try to take a back seat and let them experiment with life. This is the time when they can learn about failures and successes, while having a thin lifeline to you and still possessing enough child-like dependence to listen to you at times (compared to their hardened teenhood!)
- It is ideal to have some alone-time with your tween every day to catch up on his or her day. 10 minutes of pure listening and chatting. No judgement :)
5) Get to know what they like...and immerse yourself in those activities!
- Which explains why I had been immersing myself in teen fiction, teen music, teen ... erm...fashion!? Okay, maybe not the last one. But yes, learn to enjoy teen fiction and talk giddily with them about their favourite characters, couples, whatnots!
Whatever it takes, tweenhood is a definite constant - and a new phase in our ever-changing parenting journey!
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