I Refuse To

This evening, Little Bee cried and told me she would be scolded by her teacher for not buying the Chinese Moral Studies activity book. Tomorrow would be Week 5 of the academic school year after all, and she is the only student in class not to have that book. Feeling guilty, I reassured her that I would go to school and check if the book is available in the bookstore. We scoured a couple of large Popular bookstores today, but it was sold out in these outlets, and she was not thrilled about it. But she could not chastise me for long because she only told me she needed that book last week. And I usually do not keep track of what books are missing after I bought all her textbooks in school. 

Within a split second, she cheered up considerably (this is the ever-optimistic Little Bee for you!). I was secretly thankful that I was on the receiving end of her nags...and not the other way round.

And this is how I try to govern school work with my 2 Bees since 7 years ago, when Big Bee first entered the highly stressful environment of the Singapore education system. 

When other parents asked me what homework was given today, I told them I do not know because I had not looked into their notebooks or homework files. 

I refuse to. Because this is the responsibility of my child, and not me. And if they found out they had forgotten to do their homework, they are the ones who will get reprimanded by the teacher. And I can save a session of nagging in exchange for more quality time together. 

When I heard about how parents had to intervene and correct their children's mistakes in their school work, I told them I have no idea what crazy answers my children gave ... because I had never looked through my child's completed homework. 

I refuse to. Because this is their homework, and they should do it themselves. So that their teachers can understand the full extent of the level of their standards as students. And I can just ask my children pleasantly, "So, have you finished your homework? Great! Now let's do some reading!" No flipping through their worksheets furtively, only to feel angst if there were some wrong answers. 

(Okay, sometimes I cheated and looked through their work just to find out where their level of understanding was. But I do not tell them if I spotted wrong answers!)

Of course, there are exceptions when they asked me for help with their homework. But since young, I had always been telling them that their school work is for them to handle alone, and they should not ask me for help. That should be the responsibility of their teachers. And I am thankful to my Bees' school and teachers who had always been insisting in the same message as me - "Parents, do NOT help with homework. We will do that!" So, the girls hardly asked me for help, unless it is some terribly challenging homework (which they seldom get from school anyway!). 

When I hear other parents complaining about English and Chinese spelling, I can totally understand their agony. Because it can be very frustrating to expect the kids to know every word on their spelling lists. Sometimes, I do not even know how to write certain Chinese words on their lists! 

So I refuse to be angry if the Bees - especially playful and forgetful Little Bee! - kept asking me to show them the words so they can refer to them. Or if they make repeated mistakes day after day. Or if they write or spell a word wrongly that they got correct the night before. I will just keep showing them the list until they get it correct. And they might come back with lower marks than usual. But hey, that is fine, I told them. Get better marks the next time. 

Our unforgiving education system is already so stressful, and sometimes I feel really angry with this system for ruining the beautiful childhood that my children could have enjoyed. But well, we live in this country, so we just have to abide by it! The best thing we could do is give our children some slack and not drill them so much. And give ourselves a piece of peace (pun intended!) by letting go and asking our children to handle their homework themselves. In addition to less nagging and lowered blood pressure, this also helps them to be more independent and hopefully, more persevering. Don't know a Math problem? Think harder! Don't remember a word for spelling? Take a look and try again! Don't know how to do your comprehension? Read again and write what you think is correct!

What resulted is this marvellous peace at home where school work is concerned. Unfortunately, I am still a stickler for punctuality and completing your work at the right time. So, sadly, I am still a drill sergeant asking them to "go do your work NOW" or "I am going to count to 3 so hurry up and come brush your teeth!" or "You need to sleep in 5 minutes' time!" 

I am still trying very hard to change this aspect of mine that is chasing the clock incessantly, abiding by it tirelessly and timing our activities right down to the second. Not a lot of success in letting go of this area, of flippantly dismissing the importance of time yet!